Thursday, May 8, 2008

This is how i roll.....

It always comes. Those new days. I am always glad when they do, but i'd like to reflect on today. It was a hard day for me. I realize things happen and you must deal with it. I realize that. Wanna know how i roll? I deny my feelings and hope to GOD they go away.

They never do though. My therapist told me i must embrace and allow myself to feel. Feelings, emotions, these are Gods gifts aren't they? Shouldn't we embrace them, feel them and then hopefull let them go.

But what if you can't? Let them go i mean. Days like this don't belong, don't have a place in my world. I was coasting by without a care in the world. Then the worries start invading my brain. The what ifs and whens and especially the whys?

I think if we all knew why, the world would be a much better place. If i knew and understood the whys of the world, maybe i would sleep better tonight. I wouldn't think so much. My mind could finally shut down. Not gonna happen.

Nope, tonight is made for lots of pondering and oh yeah, praying. This has to be the best thing i discovered lately. I briefly mentioned that i pray in previous posts. Its such a powerful thing to do. And its so simple. There's no right way to do it too. It's not like i sit here and i'm all like Yo GOD my homeboy send me an ipod tonight. Send me a new blender, Vitamix would be nice...nope its much more profound.

It's like witnessing a leaf falling slowly from a giant oak tree. You see it, you watch it fall, and then its gone. Thats praying. It's so majestic. It's soulfull. I love to do it and i do it a lot!

So, how do i roll? Well, i try to be the best person i can at all times. When i feel angry i try to create a quiet space in my mind to embrace the anger and then slowly let it go.

I go running too. The best stress buster, creative outlet for me. Its' where i get a lot of ideas. Hey i have an hour to myself with my music to think, reflect and pray (there's that word again) that i can last for 5 miles. Gives me confidence too. I'm all like YO, i'm the best runner in the world. High five to my fatt self!

How do i roll? I like to laugh. I like to make people laugh. I can too! Well, sometimes. You know a good fart always makes people laugh, or is it a good joke? I forget.

So, how do i roll? I love the raw way! Is it the only way, of course not. It's my way though and to me thats important. I only try to help people if they are wanting the help. A "friend" and i use that term loosely once said to me that if she had to drink green juice she would throw up a little in her mouth. Whenever we used to eat dinner out, she would ask the waiter "do you have anything made out of a substance that doesn't occur in nature"? I'd like a bowl of that please!! UGH! And damn her, really. Why say that to me as i a gulping down my juice. I'm all like damn i forgot the kale! Time for a 2nd glass!

So, rolling right along i suddenly feel the need to protect myself. I don't mean i want to build a wall around myself and live within that wall. That wouldn't be any fun would it. What i mean is, make sure i am taken care of physically, emotionally and spiritually. There i said it. Am i on a roll here?

See, how i always try to make a joke? I do this often. I don't know why.

Also, in case you haven't checked 4,000 times in the last hour like I have, it's supposed to rain for the next two days in New York. Did you know this? Because I have it imprinted on my mushy brain, as well as the fact that any city that is usually sunny and within driving distance of my house has a forecast of rain and gloom and poopiness for the entire time it will be raining in new york. IT'S TIME TO START DOING DRUGS, I'M SORRY MOM.

Instead I am having some vodka. It will do.

This is how i roll. At least for today.
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