Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Acid Wash Soul....

So, what? I'm happy. Or i was happy the day that photo was taken. Or was i? There are way to many variables on what happy means to me.

From Wikpedia:
Happiness is an emotion associated with feelings ranging from contentment and satisfaction to bliss and intense joy.

I certainly don't feel blissful. I certainly don't feel intense joy. So, what do i feel? Well, i feel mostly confused and scared. I feel as though i am floating on by and watching my life before my eyes.

I like this quote by Anne Frank:

The best remedy for those who are afraid, lonely or unhappy is to go outside, somewhere where they can be quiet, alone with the heavens, nature and God. Because only then does one feel that all is as it should be and that God wishes to see people happy, amidst the simple beauty of nature.

I guess if she could see the simple beauty of things with what she went through, why can't i? I am no where near experiencing the amount of suffering she went through, i have pretty much everything i need in life to survive daily! Lots and lots of food, a pretty nice shelter, a good family, clothes on my back, even people here wanting to read what i have to say, yet i can't help but this all there is?

I've been told by a few people that i am way too intense and i am beginning to believe that about myself. More now than ever. I really need to find a way to chill out and just be...i'm just saying!

Check this out:
I've been working on this:

1. Be present.
2. Lighten up.
3. Take care of yourself.
4. Look for the good.
5. Connect.
6. Speak up.
7. Let go of perfect.
8. Take action.
9. Give without expectation.
10. Make yourself happy.

What more can you ask of yourself really? "keep life kind". SWEET! You know, writing for me is very cathartic. It's almost like detoxing from my bad thoughts. Typing it out and reading it back to myself, it makes me feel so much better. I sweat it all out. It may take some time, but eventually it all gets released and i feel lighter and just a little happier.

Today, i would have been on an airplane to Oregon. It's ok though because i truly feel it wasn't meant to be. Too much stuff happening to go with a happy heart. At two this morning, i read something here online that startled me and made my heart race! What i read, required intense praying and i did just that! I wasn't sure how really, i just did it. So, i've been awake since two. I did my run. Solitary today. Misty, cloudy, extremely humid and very sobering. I came home to somewhat good news and that held me over.

Positive contact. I let go of my anger and went into acceptance mode. I really cannot go into more detail right now, but just know i am working on things. Really hard too! Just ask my dear therapist Liz. Boy oh boy does she tell me like it is. She says i should never write an email when i feel angry. So, what do i do? I write it, and i'm angry. UGH!! I think she knows that i didn't mean it. Do you?

Everything perplexes me lately! It shouldn't because all i need to do is go google and i find my answers! Well anyway, tomorrow should be cool. I just spoke to my friend Anthony and i will be meeting up with him over at lifethyme for some raw treats and good conversation. He always manages to make me feel happy and light.

Come on folks go with me here. In reality i am trying very hard to be happy. You know how it goes. You have your really good days and your really bad days. Are there some days that are just OK? Sure there are! I just always want really good days and i can't grasp the fact that it is not happening for me. Sheesh!! Don't worry, i'm not going to go all Heath Ledger on you and curl up and well you know. Nah, thats so not me! I'm a fighter...i always strive for more. I will continue fighting. I will improve who i am and be a friend. I will love and continue to try to inspire people with my writing. I am not raw yet i am. It's really all a state of mind isn't it?

I love this so much:

The Prophet on Marriage by Khalil Gibran

Then Almitra spoke again and said...
"And what of Marriage, master?"
And he answered saying:
You were born together, and together you shall be forevermore.
You shall be together when the white wings of death scatter your days.
Aye, you shall be together even in the silent memory of God.
But let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you.
Love one another, but make not a bond of love. Let it rather be a moving sea between
the shores of your souls.
Fill each other's cup but drink not from one cup. Give one another of your bread but eat not from the same loaf.
Sing and dance together and be joyous, but let each of you be alone,
Even as the strings of a lute are alone though they quiver with the same music.
Give your hearts, but not into each other's keeping. For only the hand of Life can contain your hearts.
And stand together, yet not too near together. For the pillars of the temple stand apart,
And the oak tree and the cypress grow not in each other's shadow.

this photo is from my good friend Keiko's blog rawketscience i love it, its peaceful!

Floating like a white butterfly! So cool isn't it? Let's all try to float together, OK?

A wise running friend, KC is his name kcstine is his blog, well he left me a very wonderful quote i'd like to share:

I would like to beg you dear Ms, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

-Rainer Maria Rilke

WOW!!! So, i've never shared my other blog. Can you guess? Yep, its a running blog! Here it is, maybe you wanna check it out, maybe? I am here: runningdowndreams Run there! I'm just saying!
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