If You Could See Into My Soul....

It will, won't it???

Remember in my last post where I joked about gaining 5 lbs in 1 month. Yeah, not so funny when its really TRUE!!! Fuck!! I did indeed gain 5 lbs in 1 month. I took the news hard but I remained strong. I remained strong until I noticed that my jeans felt just a tad snug. And my coconut water belly now looks more like a real man's beer belly minus the actual beer drinking.

Dude, if i am developing a beer belly why not actually drink the stuff?? Don't get me started on my ass. It seems rounder and larger than ever.

What is even more ironic is that my sister and I have been engaged in a biggest loser thing. We started way back in January and usually with these types of challenges your supposed to - well lose weight. I am doing exactly the opposite of that. GO ME!!! I ROCK!!! I AM GREAT!!!

No, actually I suck. Thats how I feel right about now. Deflated and disappointed in myself. And really really pissed off. You don't want to see me when I am pissed off. I am EVIL!!! Ok, well maybe just a little bit.

What really got me started today was this post over at matteroffacts called Green with Envy. It is a lovely post by a lovely woman, HI SHERRI!!! Sherri, I love you!! One of the things she is green with envy over is MY CALVES. She included this photo on her post:














Now, I admit, I am stunning in this photo. I got it going on with the red fanny pack and all. AND my calves are amazing. Is that even me?? Sherri, thank you by the way. I did stress to Sherri that the photo was taken in 1991. Dude, thats like 37 trabillion years in runners years. So by the time 2009 rolls around my calves may be a bit - oh lets say chunkier OR wider OR *insert any word that you can think of that describes 2009 runners calves* about a person that - oh hasn't been running!!!!

Do you see my point here??

So, now that I have been granted permission to WALK, i'm all like fuck that, i'm running. NOT GOOD. I simply have no self control when I am up on the boardwalk. Really, I don't. It must be some sort of mental disorder.














Just so I am accountable for my actions - I ran today.
MY PERFORMANCE
Activity: Run
Date: 03/12/09 12:54 PM
Distance: 4.10 miles
Time: 0:50:02
Speed: 4.9 mph
Pace: 12' 12 min/mile
Calories: 454
ACTUAL +/- AVG ACTUAL +/- AVG
1 10' 27 -1' 45 5.7 +0.8 +4 ft
2 10' 46 -1' 26 5.6 +0.7 -3 ft
3 16' 37 +4' 25 3.6 -1.3 0 ft
4 11' 02 -1' 10 5.4 +0.5 0 ft
end 11' 40 -0' 32 5.1 +0.2 0 ft
I ran the first 2 miles - walked 1 mile and ran another 1 mile.
There is absolutely nothing I can say in my defense. Except perhaps, I need a straight jacket?? I am actually almost ashamed and embarrassed at my actions. At not being able to hold back and walk. At not listening to my doctor. At not listening to anybody really. At not being a reasonable adult thinking about the consequences of my actions.

This is really something I need to discuss with Liz Lemon. Its as though my head says to my body, start running. And I listen. Sure, it may be a lot more complex than that but that is the simple explanation.

Any advice here would be very much appreciated. I am almost thinking that I should hold off on walking and just wait until I get the go-ahead to actually run.

Needless to say, even though the running made me feel good in the moment, I now feel like poop. Like poopy poop.

The Universe told me today:
Sometimes when you're ready for a change, Michelle, and you kind of know it but won't admit it, when it comes, not only are you surprised, but it hurts.
Yeah, I know that doesn't help much, unless you remember the "ready" part. Because there is simply no change that might ever transpire in time and space that happens before you're fully able to use it for your own growth and glory.

Love watching you create,
The Universe

One can never consent to creep, when one feels an impulse to soar!
Helen Keller














I guess I'm going to do a lot of pondering huh??

Walking On Air.....

I sat in Dr. Toe's office today for 1 hour and 32 minutes. In the waiting room. Surrounded by other ailing feet people. It real TOE time that is about 47 gazillion billion hours. Dr. Toe greeted me with a smile and a cup of TOE. Ooops that would be a cup of JOE!! I asked Dr. Toe if he would please make me a grande skinny vanilla latte - he didn't find that amusing and walked away.

It was then that I set out to keep myself occupied. I whipped out my sexy reading glasses and slipped them on all sexy like. I hoped that the glasses stayed put and didn't start sliding down my nose almost to the tip. That look is not too sexy and not what I was going for. I then looked through my backpack searching for reading material. I had my beloved April issue of Runner's World magazine and decided that I should probably read it so I don't forget, you know, how to run!!!

Some of my thoughts while waiting:
1) Oh no, my glasses are sliding down my face and that man over there is staring at me!
2) Oooh there's Dr. Toe, maybe he will make the latte for me afterall.
3) Nope he didn't
4) I feel the need to pee! Should I just go OR ask if I can use the restroom. Why is it called a restroom anyway? I really didn't intend to do any resting in there. Just squat, pee, wipe, wash and EXIT RIGHT!!!
5) I asked, she said 3rd door on the right......ummm 1 - 2 - 3 I FOUND IT!!!
6) Ok so i just read an article on how to lose 5 lbs a month. Hmm, I thought i was doing all that. Why does it seem I am gaining 5 lbs a month????
7) Lady next to me in wheelchair is staring at me. Ummm, do I have snot on my face or what??
8) Wow, look at that orthopedic shoe!! It's PINK!! Why was I given a black shoe? Pink is so cool!!! Ok, well not really but still it's hot pink!!
9) OH MY GOD - I AM SO BORED - I finished my magazine a year ago, when am I going to be called in!!!!
10) Michelle??? MICHELLE??? MICHELLE??? Yikes Dr. TOE is calling me just when I found a great song on my iPod!! Should I ignore him??? DUDE, can't you see I am listening to my iPOD? OK, I just need to pack up my backpack, I've only been here like FOREVER!!!!!!!

So, I decided to come clean and tell him I ran 3 days ago. For 2 miles. He didn't even yell at me like I thought he would. He just kinda smirked and said "yeah, you runners you"......So, lets see what the damage is. He did some sort of range of motion crap and said, NO DAMAGE DONE. Yippee. Then he did some sort of high tech ultrasound treatment on me. When the probe hit the break, I won't lie, it hurt. He said my bones were vibrating. WORD!! Then he said that I can.....wait for it.....wait for it.....wait for it....i forgot. He said I can walk!!! WTF?? I can fucking walk. Do you realize what that means? I don't. No, I do.

It means, I can move!!! Freely! Like the wind....2-3 miles. I am beyond happy. Tomorrow morning I am so out there. Garmin is being charged as I type this. iPod is being charged as I type this. I know, its only walking but still...

He knows I want to run a half mary on May 30th. He knows this and seems to think that it may very well be possible. Of course, I have to be a good girlie and umm listen to Dr. Toe's orders. I will try. My best. Not to run until the gate is lifted and I am out of the what do you call it?? A gated community of non-runners??

This is huge! It means, perhaps, maybe, soon, very soon, I can run again? He is trying hard to avoid having to cut me open. HUGE I say!!! He is my new hero!!!

OH, also my runner/doctor bestest friend has offered me the use of her life cycle and elliptical machine at her home. I am all over that like sweat on a runner in 90 degree weather!! WOOHOO!!

Also, I think we should all wish Barbie Doll a very happy 50th birthday.

The original 1959 and the makeover 2009


Barbie Millicent Roberts debuted as a teenage fashion model at the New York Toy Fair on March 9, 1959.

She had a ponytail, hit the market at $3 and sold 300,000 units her first year.

Fifty years later, Barbie is the most popular doll in the world. And while she hasn't aged a bit, she sure has matured.

Once a high-school student from the fictional town of Willows, Wis., she's gone on to have 108 careers - including veterinarian, flight attendant, astronaut, surgeon and rapper.

An African-American presidential-candidate Barbie was released in 2004.
She has always been 11½ inches tall - equivalent to 5-foot-9 - and her svelte proportions out-waif even Kate Moss with a 5-inch bust, 3 inch waist and 53/16-inch hips.

She's managed to maintain her high-school weight - a feather-light 7.25 ounces.

The doll's trim dimensions have come under fire from activists as being flagrantly unrealistic, yet the critique hasn't affected her popularity one iota. Think of her as the girl in high school everyone loved to hate.

Her epic, on-and-off relationship with Ken is the stuff of tabloid legend.

Their affair began in 1961, when Barbie was already an established celeb and Ken's star was just on the rise. The couple split 43 years later, on Valentine's Day 2004.

I remember many days playing with my barbie dolls. I think I once made my bathroom sink into a swimming pool and barbie had a fun filled day of swimming and sunning. Ken was there too. He is HOT!!! The light bulb was the sun, by the way!!! I also took barbie camping. A shoebox was her tent and I think I let Ken spend the night with her, TWICE!!! I even gave my barbie a haircut, wondering why her hair never grew back.

Fun times.

WORD!!!

The Universe told me today:
Something that might add some sugar and spice to your daily comings and goings, Michelle, would be to constantly remind yourself, "I created this, because I wanted to."
Prepare to be empowered,
The Universe

This quote I've had taped to my mirror for the longest time. I'd like to share it with you:

Successful people are Dreamers
Who have found a dream too exciting,
too important to remain in the realm of fantasy
and who, day by day
hour by hour, toiled in
the service of their
dreams until they can
touch it with their hands
and see it with
their eyes!!!

WORD!!!

INteRnATIonal wOMEn's DAy - maRCh 8Th 2009

Sunday WORD OF THE DAY

Strand-up comedy
The way one's hair can look first thing in the morning, sticking straight up in all directions.
When Michelle woke up this morning, her hair looked like a strand-up comedy.

It's a great day today. If your a woman that is. If you love flowers, today is your day. It is IWD.

It's not Mother's day or Grandmother's day or even Secretary's day. Today is the day to honor women.
From Wikipedia:
International Women's Day (IWD) is marked on March 8 every year. It is a major day of global celebration for the economic, political and social achievements of women.
Started as a political event, the holiday blended in the culture of many countries (primarily Russia and the countries of former Soviet bloc). In some celebrations, the day lost its political flavour, and became simply an occasion for men to express their love to the women around them in a way somewhat similar to Mother's Day and St Valentine's Day mixed together. In others, however, the political and human rights theme as designated by the United Nations runs strong, and political and social awareness of the struggles of women worldwide are brought out and examined in a hopeful manner.
The IWD is also celebrated as the first spring holiday, as in the listed countries the first day of March is considered the first day of the spring season.













I just this moment called one of my closest friends, Natalie. She is from the Ukraine and I wholeheartedly wished her a Happy International Women's Day. She giggle some and said "thank you my friend" She told me she received lovely flowers from her husband and her nephew.

I am not certain what to make of this International Women's Day! It's not that I don't think we deserve this day, I just think that what it stands for should have happened long ago.

2000 and Beyond:
IWD is now an official holiday in China, Armenia, Russia, Azerbaijan, Belarus, Bulgaria, Kazakhstan, Kyrgyzstan, Macedonia, Moldova, Mongolia, Tajikistan, Ukraine, Uzbekistan and Vietnam. The tradition sees men honouring their mothers, wives, girlfriends, colleagues, etc with flowers and small gifts. In some countries IWD has the equivalent status of Mother's Day where children give small presents to their mothers and grandmothers. With more women in the boardroom, and women's visibility as impressive role models in every aspect of life, one could think that women have gained true equality. The unfortunate fact is that women are still not paid equally to that of their male counterparts, women still are not present in equal numbers in business or politics, and globally women's education, health and the violence against them is worse than that of men.
However, great improvements have been made. We do have female astronauts and prime ministers, school girls are welcomed into university, women can work and have a family, women have real choices. And so the tone and nature of IWD has, for the past few years, moved from being a reminder about the negatives to a celebration of the positives.

Today, I really want to celebrate with all the amazing women I've met here on the blogosphere. Each and every one of you are unique and beautiful and intelligent and charming and hilarious and tenacious and successful and helpful and supportive and loving and generous and incredible and athletic and calm and cheeky and just a tad insane but I love you all just the same.

Here are some of the amazing women in my life:














































































Just to keep with the theme of this post, that being how great women are and to remind each and every one of you just how amazing I am and how narcissist I can be:
1) I would love to receive flowers from each and every one of my readers
2) WHY? Because I am great!
3) I am only thinking of myself always
4) I am amazing
5) I am the best runner EVAH!

Which brings me to, yes i did run yesterday. I wasn't planning on it. It kinda just happened. Sort of "Go on then, run." "Isn't there some kind of like, special technique?" "Well, yeah. You put one leg in front of the other over and over again really fast!!! I was already yelled at. So, yeah!!

"To start, press any key. Where's the ANY key?"

"Smell ya later friends, Smell ya later forever."

Don't You Evah......

I am frightened people.....did you know, you can break the internet??? This is not good. We all need to ban together and NEVER, EVAH type google INTO google. I have it on good authority folks.

Please, I am prone to panic attacks and this breaking of the internet will really send me over the edge!!! Ok, I see you laughing..This is no laughing matter. What is wrong with you people...

Do you want to be the one to break the internet?? Is that what you want to be remembered for?? Is that what you want your tombstone to say?? I think not!!

We need to ban together here and get the word out...
Do not, under any circumstances type the word google INTO google...OK???

The Universe told me this:
Oh yeah, regarding your ancient spiritual contracts, Michelle, that outlined every facet of the life you now lead? Well, just wanted to remind you that they're all re-written every dawn, and perpetually updated as each day unfolds.
Proving yet again that nothing is meant to be, that you are truly unlimited, and that anything can happen next, if you choose it.

Whooohooooo!
The Universe










I was a bit of a bad girlie today!!! Can you guess what I did????

What's It Like Out There??

Grizzly Bear - Knife
I want you to know
when i look in your eyes
with every blow
comes another lie

you think its alright
can't you feel the knife

Grizzly Bear is a Brooklyn-based indie rock band currently on Warp Records and consists of Daniel Rossen, Ed Droste, Chris Taylor and Christopher Bear The band employs traditional and electronic instruments, ranging from a recorder to a laptop, and all four members contribute vocals. Their sound is categorized as experimental rock, folk rock, or just indie rock, and is most dominated by the use of acoustic guitars and vocal harmonies. Check them out here myspace. I don't know if i dig this group because they are from Brooklyn, or if its in spite of that fact??

















Rejected Gumball Flavors
tuna
corn
armpit
ear wax
feet
heavyweight boxer sweat
shower drain crud
Chanel No.5
bleach
cold gravy
urinal cake (may be a post about this)
dentist rinse basin


“Act all thongish even if you’re all granny cottonish.”
“I have to disagree with the notion that we learn something new every day.
I think I’ve had several days in a row where I haven’t learned anything and even
forgotten some things.”

I'm pouting today. I give good pout. Not sure I can share the way I look when I pout, but it's not pretty.














So, the reason that I am pouting is I had a particularly embarrassing and ridiculous run in with the long arm of the law, whatever the fuck that means. I was in a hurry sir. Fuck you.

I made a left turn and went my merry way when suddenly to my left I noticed a big blue van. No police markings of any kind. Big, burly long arm stuck his head out of the window and said

Po-Lice Officer "Young lady, do ya know what ya did back there??
Michelle "HUH"?
Po-lice Officer "You know, back there when you turned??"
Michelle "Ummm, HUH"?
Po-Lice Officer "Lady, you turned left when you weren't supposed to" (All of a sudden I am not a young lady anymore)
Michelle "HUH" I did????
Po-Lice Officer "Didn't you see the sign that said no left turn??
Michelle "Like DUH" NO!!!
Po-Lice Officer "There are SIX (6) signs saying NO LEFT TURN!!!
Michelle "Woah" No way" "Are you sure (batting my eyelashes) WTF does that even mean???
Po-Lice Officer "License please"

And he proceeded to write out my ticket. On a yellow piece of paper. I take it and drive away. I then study that ticket and for the life of me, I do not know how much to pay!! They list everything but what I did.

I am going with "Most other Violations" $120

EDIT: I went to look, there is indeed six (6) signs that say NO LEFT TURN!!! I'm just saying!

Then today I was violated. Well, my teeth and gums were. I had my dreaded teeth cleaning appointment. I would much rather go to my GYN, spread my legs and have a cold speculum inserted inside my va-jay-jay than have a teeth cleaning.

I feel as though at any moment I will choke to death on my own saliva and blood. It is just not the way I want to go.

So, that was my day!
This too! But, I kinda don't want to talk about it. Well, my TOE! Nuff said.














The Universe had the nerve to tell me this today:

Simply imagine happiness, Michelle, your own happiness. Feel the smile stretching across your face, notice the lightness in your step, hear the sparkle in your voice, and all things, material and spiritual, will dance to the beat of your drums.
Happy Thursday!
The Universe


You can be greater than your track record. Greater than the sum of your parts. You can be greater than has ever been hinted at... DO IT.

Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing.

AND I'M OUT!!!!!

Embrace The Vague.....

I need you to run here what were you thinking and laugh your ass off. Then when you are done laughing your ass off, come back here to read my post. Well, you can really do whatever you want, but I promise you, you will laugh. Or not. But, if you don't laugh there is seriously something wrong with you. Ok, not seriously, but Vic is cheeky.

Since today is "Embrace the Vague" day, here is my contribution.















So, I am a copy cat!! I admit it and embrace it!!! Here we go!!

• Doctor today. Not my fault that after 6 weeks there is only 20% worth of healing. So there. Anyway, two options.
• 1) this Exogen ultrasound bone healing system
• 2) Surgery
• Reason it is not my fault - it is a fucking bad break in a bad bad place.
• Will I be able to run? Sure, he said. When, I said. Soon, he said.
• Fuck
• Brooklyn Half Marathon - May 30th. Most likely yes I shall run it.
• Oh, that bone healing system, 20 min per day for 2 weeks.
• I discovered, after hating it for most of my life, that I enjoy a cup of afternoon Chai tea. It's relaxing.
• It's organic too
• Oh, that photo up there, thats my foot. Wrapped up like a fucking mummy. Feels kinda good and secure. Like a blankey in the middle of the night.
• The Bachelor- DO NOT GET ME STARTED. Thank you!
• Surgery involves cutting, pushing and pinning, in that order.
• It also involves pulling out the pin without cutting me open again. HOW?? WTF??
• Have I been vague enough??
• If not, I can get vaguer!!!

I need to get just a bit more specific now. It is about the peanut butter. The food that I love. So, I went over and over AND over, all of your peanut butter comments and I have decided whom I would love to send a jar of White Chocolate Wonderful to. Believe me, I loved every SINGLE comment. So, its not like I love any of you more. No jealously please. I love you all equally.

So, I am going with this dude. Adam over at I am boring. First, he is far from boring, lets just get that straight right off the bat. But, something about a dancing banana just cracks me up. Adam, my runner nanny, email me your address please. michellejoy61@gmail.com.

The Universe told me:
Until you dream, Michelle, there isn't a mold.

Until you speak, there isn't a promise.

And until you move, there isn't a path.
Yet do these simple things, Michelle, and you totally own me.

Friendsters forever,
The Universe


"I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a
could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be
a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might-
have-been has never been, but a has was once an are."

-- Milton Berle

Go Milton Berle, he knew his stuff huh????

Peanut Butter & Jelly Time.....

Reese"s Peanut Butter Cup Commercial 1970's.

















3/1 is Nat'l Peanut Butter Lovers Day.
National Peanut Butter Lovers' Day

When : Always March 1st

Today is a sticky day. National Peanut Butter Lover's Day salutes America's favorite sandwich spread. What kid didn't grow up loving a PB&J sandwich? It's a staple in my house.

Smooth Peanut Butter is by far the most popular. Crunchy peanut butter is also on the market, and is enjoyed by many. Peanut Butter is not limited to a Peanut Butter and Jelly (PB&J) sandwich. It's popular on crackers, celery and other "peanut butter" holders. It is also used in recipes for cookies and snacks. And, don't forget peanut butter candies, too!

Did you Know? Peanut Butter is 90% or more peanuts. While it has no artificial preservatives, an opened jar is stored on a shelf at room temperature.

Celebrate today with a little (or a lot) of Peanut Butter. If you can, make your own Peanut Butter.

Noe: If you don't get enough peanut butter today, April 2nd is National Peanut Butter and Jelly Day. and September 13th is National Peanut Day.

So, that being said here is the

Sunday WORD OF THE DAY:

Sticky:

A person who is essentially, the most awesome person in the entire universe
"DUDE you are the stickiest person ive ever met"

1. Having the property of adhering or sticking to a surface; adhesive.
2. Covered with an adhesive agent.
3. Warm and humid; muggy: a sticky day.
4. Informal Painful or difficult: a sticky situation.
5. Economics Tending to remain the same despite changes in the economy. Used of prices or wages


Personally, I enjoy eating something sticky and peanut butter does it for me!! It does things to my body that nothing or no one else can achieve. Makes me tingle with delight and leaves me shuddering and wanting more. I add peanut butter to mostly everything I eat. Ok, well not eggs or fish but oatmeal. Oh my goodness.

Picture if you will a hot steaming bowl of oatmeal. Now imagine a spoon full of White Chocolate Wonderful peanut butter being swirled into the oats and THEN melting and tasting oh so fine. It is an amazing feeling on the tongue. Sweet, sticky and delicious.

Apples and pears co-mingle well with peanut butter. There are a variety of ways to accomplish this. I like to slice the desired fruit into bite size pieces and then DIP into the peanut butter. This gives the eater control over the amount of peanut butter per slice. Makes sense right?

Then you have the ever deserving banana. I can talk paragraphs about how perfect the banana is, but today is all about peanut butter so, here is what I suggest. Ripe banana, peeled of course and then sliced lengthwise as if to make a sandwich. Take an enormous amount of peanut butter on your knife or spoon and slather it onto one side of the sliced banana. Really cover the banana. Make it your own. THEN, and only if you like it, shake some cinnamon over the peanut butter. THEN, cover with the other half of the banana and eat that sucker. It is quite amazing and leaves you feeling all cozy and happy.


Whether Bert and Ernie invented the peanut butter sandwich remains to be seen, but they sure made my day. They even had the pleasure of having sticky mouth.

If you are ever in NYC I suggest stopping by this place peanut butter & company. It's adorable and they make the best sandwiches. HEY, I would even treat you to a jar of peanut butter and a glass of milk.

So, since today is March 1st AND it is National Peanut Butter Lover's Day, I would love to send a jar of White Chocolate Wonderful to one of my wonderful readers. Any takers? Here is what I ask of you.

Leave me a comment explaining why why why you love peanut butter and why why why you think you deserve a jar of it. I will read all of your comments and decide who gets the jar. I just want to share the goodness of peanut butter with somebody. It will make me sticky all over. Sticky and happy and gleeful. So, please comment and that jar up there is yours!!! Well, not that exact one because that one is already finished.


Liverbirds Peaunut butter 1965
Well, there's a food goin' round that's a sticky, sticky goo
(Peanut, Peanut Butter)
Oh well, it tastes so good, but it's so hard to chew
(Peanut, Peanut Butter)
All my friends tell me that they dig it the most
(Peanut, Peanut Butter)
Early in the morning when they spread it on toast
(Peanut, Peanut Butter)
I like peanut butter, creamy peanut butter,
chunky peanut butter, too.













FRIENDS MAY COME AND GO, BUT PEANUT BUTTER IS FOREVER!!!!!

Fun Fact:
People who become hysterical when peanut butter sticks to the roof of their mouth have 'arachibutyrophobia'.