Thursday, March 12, 2009

If You Could See Into My Soul....

It will, won't it???

Remember in my last post where I joked about gaining 5 lbs in 1 month. Yeah, not so funny when its really TRUE!!! Fuck!! I did indeed gain 5 lbs in 1 month. I took the news hard but I remained strong. I remained strong until I noticed that my jeans felt just a tad snug. And my coconut water belly now looks more like a real man's beer belly minus the actual beer drinking.

Dude, if i am developing a beer belly why not actually drink the stuff?? Don't get me started on my ass. It seems rounder and larger than ever.

What is even more ironic is that my sister and I have been engaged in a biggest loser thing. We started way back in January and usually with these types of challenges your supposed to - well lose weight. I am doing exactly the opposite of that. GO ME!!! I ROCK!!! I AM GREAT!!!

No, actually I suck. Thats how I feel right about now. Deflated and disappointed in myself. And really really pissed off. You don't want to see me when I am pissed off. I am EVIL!!! Ok, well maybe just a little bit.

What really got me started today was this post over at matteroffacts called Green with Envy. It is a lovely post by a lovely woman, HI SHERRI!!! Sherri, I love you!! One of the things she is green with envy over is MY CALVES. She included this photo on her post:

Now, I admit, I am stunning in this photo. I got it going on with the red fanny pack and all. AND my calves are amazing. Is that even me?? Sherri, thank you by the way. I did stress to Sherri that the photo was taken in 1991. Dude, thats like 37 trabillion years in runners years. So by the time 2009 rolls around my calves may be a bit - oh lets say chunkier OR wider OR *insert any word that you can think of that describes 2009 runners calves* about a person that - oh hasn't been running!!!!

Do you see my point here??

So, now that I have been granted permission to WALK, i'm all like fuck that, i'm running. NOT GOOD. I simply have no self control when I am up on the boardwalk. Really, I don't. It must be some sort of mental disorder.

Just so I am accountable for my actions - I ran today.
Activity: Run
Date: 03/12/09 12:54 PM
Distance: 4.10 miles
Time: 0:50:02
Speed: 4.9 mph
Pace: 12' 12 min/mile
Calories: 454
1 10' 27 -1' 45 5.7 +0.8 +4 ft
2 10' 46 -1' 26 5.6 +0.7 -3 ft
3 16' 37 +4' 25 3.6 -1.3 0 ft
4 11' 02 -1' 10 5.4 +0.5 0 ft
end 11' 40 -0' 32 5.1 +0.2 0 ft
I ran the first 2 miles - walked 1 mile and ran another 1 mile.

There is absolutely nothing I can say in my defense. Except perhaps, I need a straight jacket?? I am actually almost ashamed and embarrassed at my actions. At not being able to hold back and walk. At not listening to my doctor. At not listening to anybody really. At not being a reasonable adult thinking about the consequences of my actions.

This is really something I need to discuss with Liz Lemon. Its as though my head says to my body, start running. And I listen. Sure, it may be a lot more complex than that but that is the simple explanation.

Any advice here would be very much appreciated. I am almost thinking that I should hold off on walking and just wait until I get the go-ahead to actually run.

Needless to say, even though the running made me feel good in the moment, I now feel like poop. Like poopy poop.

The Universe told me today:
Sometimes when you're ready for a change, Michelle, and you kind of know it but won't admit it, when it comes, not only are you surprised, but it hurts.
Yeah, I know that doesn't help much, unless you remember the "ready" part. Because there is simply no change that might ever transpire in time and space that happens before you're fully able to use it for your own growth and glory.

Love watching you create,
The Universe

One can never consent to creep, when one feels an impulse to soar!
Helen Keller

I guess I'm going to do a lot of pondering huh??

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