Wednesday, May 6, 2009


I am no longer human. The MRI was INSANE. The machine was so strong that I was told if I was wearing earrings and the earrings were metal it would be ripped from my ears. RIPPED.FROM.MY.EARS! I am quite sure all the human was sucked out of me. I am now an alien full of magnetized stuff and a quivering lower right leg.

When I saw the machine I almost fainted right there. I asked the man if I needed to remove my bra. I thought there was metal in my bra, don't laugh. He sort of oddly said "no" with a bit of a stutter. I am guessing the stutter comes from the highly magnetized MRI machine and not my silly ass question.

He told me people have died having an MRI. Well, yeah if you have a pace maker or an oxygen tank strapped to your left tit. I do not have either of those things.

I also asked him what should I do with my hands. Again, the stutter. Anything you want, he said!!! WOO! I was free from the waist up!!

He then told me the machine is mad loud. Ok, yeah so. I listen to my ipod turned up to #65 I can take it. As I was laying there he came over to me and started sticking things inside my ears. WTF?? Ear plugs folks. EAR.PLUGS. Now I am all sorts of nervous wondering when I can jump up and get the heck out of there. The door slammed and I was alone. In the room. My right foot all suctioned down and he told me not to move it. Right there is when you start moving. A LOT! Thankfully, I was not in head first. Feet first I always say!!

LOUD NOISE COMMENCE!! The noise was all around me. Lights flashing - numbers started to whirl - loud noises starting. I think I vaguely thought of what color my socks were. Did they match the machines colors? Then I thought about what to indeed do with my hands. Should I clap in time to the noise? Should I wave to the guy a friendly hello? Perhaps I could give myself a manicure while waiting?

And all this time, I knew. I felt it. I was becoming less and less human and more and more MRI alien. I was having a very hard time keeping my foot still. It was twitching almost uncontrollably and I knew right then and there that all of my humanness was now gone.

I thought to call out to him, but I didn't know until afterwards, when my friend told me that yes he can hear you. I also had a sudden urge to pass gas or as you humans call it, i had to fart. Humans fart and its over with. MRI aliens fart from the inside out. The fart stays in and the magnets sort of suck it out through the belly button.

Why are you all laughing??

The MRI took about 435 years in MRI alien time. Real human time 35 minutes.

I am not sure how long I will remain an MRI alien. Does anybody have any real research on this sort of stuff. I googled my ass off and could not find a thing!! I tried to eat and the magnet inside me just sucked the food down without me even chewing. It's not fun to eat anymore.

I think, perhaps once I find out that I can run again, I will return to my human form, but for now I am MRI alien Michelle. You can call me MRIAM for short. Oh cool, that is almost a real name anyway.

I'll leave you with this quote, I think it's a good one:
He who would learn to fly one day must first learn to stand and walk and run and climb and dance; one cannot fly into flying. Nietzsche

Everybody knows you cannot fly into flying right?

The song was on the finale of Scrubs tonight and thankfully MRI alien Michelle was able to enjoy the show. Then when American Idol came on, MRIAM rebelled and ran screaming. YAY for MRI alien.
blog comments powered by Disqus