Saturday, November 8, 2008

Be Here Now....

Ray LaMontagne - Be Here Now
Don't lose your faith in me
And I will try not to lose faith in you
Don't put your trust in walls
'Cause walls will only crush you when they fall

I'm here. All the time, every day. I take pride in the way i handle things. Not always though. Used to be that i felt like a failure. A loser dork. I could never understand why i did certain things and then i couldn't understand why i couldn't fix it. I figured if i made it happen, i should be able to make it go away. Never seemed to work like that though.

I always wanted things to be perfect. Then i finally realized nothing and nobody is perfect. If you want perfection go elsewhere. Not here.

So, i started looking at my life and the things i have done. Believe me folks, i'm not talking about committing crimes, i am talking about stuff you can't really take back or do over. Life stuff. Friend stuff. Stuff.

So, then i realized that holding things inside yourself and not being able or willing to just let it go is so very bad. It festers like a bad dream never really ending and its always there in the back of your mind. It makes you pause a few times a day, hmmm i want to get rid of it, but how? How can you get rid of the stuff?

What you need to do is admit it first to yourself and then to others what it is you want out of your head. Out of your soul. I know, i realize this is a painfully honest post but i have to get it blogged. I am not ready to blog it all, but i am ready to say i am sorry.

You learn from every mistake you make in life. At least i do. I did. I also learned that when a person comes clean, which is a very hard thing to do, you accept that. I know how hard owning up to a mistake is. I also know how hard it is for others to own up. So, you cannot hold that grudge. You just can't.

I feel lighter. So much lighter. Everything may happen for a reason, or it may not. I have no clue really. I am just trying to get by day to day. Take care of my mom, make sure she has everything she needs to live a comfortable special life. That is it really.

Perhaps, somebody reading this will know its for them. But, that is not my reason for writing this post. I don't do things to make others feel better or to even make myself feel better, i just do what i feel is right. Noble. Special. I am not asking for credit or validation or anything really. I just need to get this blogged.

I like the name of Ray's song....Be Here Now. I am here. All the time. Everyday. For all of you. If you need me. I am approachable and friendly. I want to be authentic and true to my personality. I want each day i live to be special. For me. Nobody else needs to or wants to live my life. I have to do it all alone.

And i want to Be Here Now. Always in the present. I won't look back at what could have been. Each day that passes will bring new adventure and most importantly change. In the past two days, i have changed. Not in a way that can be seen from the outside, but inside i feel a profound difference. Just believe me, its there. I feel it.

So, lets applaud all those who own up. I, for one am clapping real loud and giving high fives all around.

"The man who can drive himself further once the effort gets painful is the man who will win."

Tonight, we are all winners!
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