Saturday, February 21, 2009

You Could Be Happy.....

Snow Patrol - You Could Be Happy
You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go

And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played in loops 'till it's madness in my head

Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur

Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door

You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far

Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true

Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do

More than anything I want to see you, girl
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world

Something very sad happened Thursday evening to a good friend of mine. Well, not directly to her but to someone she knows. My friend is a pediatrician and has had an office in the same place for over 30 years. She is my running mentor and just a great person.

She was treating a 9 year old girl for about a week with various symptoms. Sore throat, vomiting, nausea, belly pain. This little girl, Nicole was the daughter of one of her nurses. Blood tests came back fine so a sonogram of her belly was done. There they saw enlarged lymph nodes, same as if it was in your neck. Some sort of infection going on. She was vomiting and still not feeling well Thursday evening. She then turned blue and stopped breathing. Her mom called 911 and when they got there, they declared her dead. They tried to revive her to no avail.

My friend now feels that she didn't do all she could to save Nicole and I, in my lame attempt at trying to make her feel better kept on saying to her, NO NO NO!!! Please, its not your fault. It's was just her time to go. You did everything you could to help her. She was having none of it. NO, I needed to get her to the ER and she would have lived.

So, what do you say to that?? I'll be damned if I know. Nicole's mother no longer wants to live. She asked my friend to help her die as she was clinging to her just deceased 9 year old daughter.

I just feel so badly. Bad that a 9 year old lost her life, Bad that my friend is suffering with horrible guilt that she should have done more and Bad that Nicoles mom no longer wants to live.

It kept me up last night. I just couldn't settle down to rest. My mind kept thinking about how fragile life really is. How you must embrace each day that is given to you. How, all the bullshit is just that. BULLSHIT. How fucking selfish i've been complaining about my TOE. I even told my friend that I won't complain anymore. She said to me Michelle, if your feeling shitty about your toe, talk about it.

So, I guess I'm just asking all of you, ummm do you think it was just GOD's plan that Nicole's life was ended so soon??? Honestly, I have no clue. It just seems so pointless to me, that a 9 year old child is taken away so soon.

I know, that is the typical question we ask. Sure when your 95 years old and you pass away, well it was expected and even though just as horrible, just not as shocking I guess.

I just wish there was a way I could help my friend to feel better. But, I don't think there is right now!!!

Whatever it is you want, however you want to have it, no matter why you want to have it, Michelle, you can have it faster if you can first be happy without it.
Sneaky, clever, foxy, wry -
The Universe
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