Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Lets play it by ear?

Play it by ear:

To do something by feel and instinct rather than with a plan, to improvise
I think I will play it by ear since I have so much time.

More recently it is also used figuratively to mean 'handle a situation in an impromptu manner', i.e. without reference to pre-determined rules or guidelines.

So, today i was told "lets play it by ear"! At first, i was put off by this statement! Then i decided to google it and understood where that statement was coming from.

Let me was the 2nd time this week that i saw Liz. She may have questioned my motives as to why i wanted to have a 2nd session. I asked her if it was OK or weird? She said "lets play it by ear". I am not sure if i have the right to insist that this is what i want to do. I am willing to pay, money is not the issue! I feel that i need a 2nd session. I want to explore what my mind is doing. I want to explore my feelings and i feel the only way to accomplish this is too really work hard, be open and honest and possibly have a 2nd session. I want to succeed at interpersonal communication with Liz. I crave validation from Liz, where my opinions are acknowledged, respected, heard and (regardless whether or not she actually agrees with me) i would like to be treated with respect whereas my expression of feelings are not dismissed.

OK, here's the part i've been dreading. I do not do therapy well. I have to really work at it. It takes a very long time for me to come to any realizations about myself. It's hard work, both on my part and especially on Liz's part. She's more than patient, but at the same time she's tough. I do ask silly questions sometimes, not realizing that maybe there is something deeper there. Why ask these questions all the time? I sort of like to compare what i do and think with what Liz does and thinks. This is wrong on so many levels.

Let's just say, i have a lot of work to do to understand and come to any realizations about myself. I am "In Treatment" I'm also thinking that being "In Treatment" is all the rage now thanks to HBO! Sometimes, its fun in a creepy sort of way. So, i end this exactly as i started this...lets play it by ear!
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